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Authenticity

I just read an article in Self Magazine about authenticity (“Get Real”, Self, March, 2011).  The article addressed the theory that the best way to achieve true happiness is to live authentically.  To be yourself and stay true to your beliefs all of the time.  The author also discussed the fact that women tend to be nurturers, which means that we are very attuned to the needs of others.  This can sometimes thwart our ability to stay true to who we are.

As I read through this article, I really started to think about how this applies to moms.  The minute a child enters our lives we can’t help but put them first.  We created them, we take care of them, and we make sure that they are healthy, happy, and loved.  We put their needs before ours.

I’ve heard moms reference feeling like they’re not sure who they are anymore.  Especially moms who have transitioned from full time employment to stay at home mom.  Although I haven’t had the same experience, I understand.  My writing keeps me actively engaged in my field while I’m not practicing.  It can be hard to just completely shut off a big part of you.  It can be hard to find your center again.

The author of the article mentioned a time where she felt uncomfortable speaking up when offensive comments were made at a family gathering.  I’ve been there.  I have often found that sometimes the best thing to do is to check out emotionally and wait for the moment to pass instead of inciting a family squabble (or worse).  There have been times where I have spoken up only to find myself on the losing end of a family battle.  And so I sit quietly and try not to weigh in on hot topics.  But then I’m not being true to myself.  I’m not being authentic.  And, more importantly, I’m not setting a very good example for my kids.

What this article really made me consider is this:  How do we ensure that we are teaching our children to be authentic?

The world is full of peer pressure.  It starts in childhood and doesn’t end.  Most people have a desire to be liked and make friends.  As adults we know that it makes sense to try to connect to people with similar interests.  For kids, it’s not that easy.

Sometimes kids just want to fit in, so they adjust to what they view as the status quo on the playground.  They put their own interests aside in pursuit of group acceptance.

How do we teach them that their interests and goals are valid and important?  How do we make sure that they stay true to themselves?

My daughter and I have been talking a lot about differences lately.  It started with her general observations about hair color, eye color, skin tone, height, etc.  It has since moved into likes and dislikes.  She reports in on what each kid likes to play at school and how that is either the same as or different than her.  She studies her peers to see what makes them happy.

Sometimes I catch her doing something that I know came from a friend (and is so not a part of her personality) and I want to stop her.  I want to remind her that she’s great just the way she is.  I don’t because I know that part of growing up is trying out new ways of interacting.  I know that being in a group involves some aspect of “norming” (in group psychology the stages of group formation are described as, “forming, norming, storming, and performing”). 

My husband is an excellent example of someone who always stayed true to himself.  To this day, he’s not afraid to speak his mind and follow his own path.  He’s always been sure of his goals.  In an industry full of drugs and alcohol, he’s never been tempted beyond a few drinks with friends after a show.  He’s always known that taking another path could be a career killer.  He never (even as a teen) fell victim to peer pressure.  I wish I could say the same.

I would love for my kids to grow up with that feeling of self-confidence.  I would love for them to know that their ideas and goals are meaningful and attainable.  I would love for them to stay true to themselves.

I work hard to be authentic for the betterment of my kids.  I no longer shy away from situations for fear of offending someone.  I make choices in the best interest of our little family.  I choose friends who accept me for who I am.  I answer questions honestly.  I know my path, and I’m sticking to it.

As for my kids, I try to praise them as much as possible every day.  My daughter loves to create things; she is in her element when art supplies surround her.  I praise her efforts and hang her artwork everywhere.  My son is the joker of the family.  He’s constantly working on his routine.  So I cheer him on and laugh at all of his jokes (including the sometimes terrifying physical comedy).

I try, everyday, to praise them just for being them.  I hope that, in the end, our love and support will be enough to keep their self-confidence high.  I hope that being a part of a strong, supportive family will teach them that they are important and that they can reach their goals.

How will you teach your kids to be authentic and stay true to themselves?
 
  Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Consultant in Los Angeles, CA.  She has a four year old daughter, two year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. 
Katie has a parenting advice blog at http://practicalkatie.com/ and can also be found on Twitter.

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Katie Hurley, LCSW

Friday 11th of March 2011

Yes, motherhood is a balancing act! I like Jessie's idea of asking where an idea came from...it's great to help them think more about why they say what they say!

Stacey

Friday 11th of March 2011

Newest Follower!<3 your blog! Stopping by from:http://madeofsnails.blogspot.com/&http://staceylovesscents.blogspot.com/

I hope you will follow me back :)I have some great giveaways going right now!

Andie

Friday 11th of March 2011

So what happens when you authentically just want to scream or cry but you either can't or shouldn't. Especially when it is at your kids? It is so hard to balance being authentic with the crazy emotions that come with motherhood! :)

Mommy Lisa

Thursday 10th of March 2011

God I hope I can help my daughter grow up to love herself...be herself.

So far we are pretty good, but she is only five and her daycare lady is a HUGE help!

The Education Of Ours

Thursday 10th of March 2011

This is great, Katie.

One thing I always ask my little ones is "What inside you makes you say that?" Sometimes it helps them realize where (or where not) the opinion is coming from. Forming your character is a long process, it's still happening for us. It must seem like such a task to a child.