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Everything’s Not Lost

“I’m not afraid of anything in this world.  There’s nothing you can throw at me, that I haven’t already heard” –Bono, U2

We were young and naïve (make that ill-informed) when we decided to start “trying”.  I was 29 years young.  Old by mother’s standards, but right on target with my friends.  All around me people were having babies.  One by one my girlfriends announced their exciting news.  It was time for us to give it a try.  Who knew the word “try” would take on a whole new meaning?

My husband was sure that getting pregnant would be a breeze.  To some degree, he was right.  Three months into the process I saw those coveted double lines on the stick.  We hugged and cried and danced around like maniacs.  We were on the road to starting our family.

12 weeks later our dreams were crushed.  We walked into the ultrasound happy and confident.  We were ready to share our news with our friends.  We walked out with our heads hung low, a steady stream of tears pouring from my eyes.  No heartbeat.  The baby was gone.  We were sure he was a boy.

My doctor held my hand and told me what no one tells you until it happens to you:  25% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage.  We could try again.  The miscarriage did not indicate future miscarriages.  It was likely a chromosomal issue.

I had a D&C a couple of days later.  Nothing could have prepared me for it.  The drugs took away the pain, but the sound of the machine sucking that little life out of my body would stay with me for weeks and months to come.  Probably forever.

Still, we tried again

We (make that I) used ovulation predictor kits obsessively.  We (make that I) made it a project.  We (make that I) thought of little else.

Four months later we got our second chance.  We had ultrasounds every two weeks.  At 9 weeks, the baby was growing and that little heart was beating away.  We were sure he was another boy.  We named him James, for my father.  We couldn’t wait to meet him.  At 11 weeks, the heartbeat was gone.

Complete.  Utter.  Heartbreak.

They started to run some tests.  Because this miscarriage did increase our likelihood of future miscarriages.

Luteal phase defect.

What?  These are things women don’t discuss.  Everyone talks about the ease of getting pregnant, the sleep deprivation that ensues when you have an infant, and the overall joy of motherhood.

No one talks about miscarriage.  No one uses words like “luteal phase defect”.  No one tells you that if you manage to get pregnant again, you will become dependent on vaginal suppositories to increase your progesterone levels.  Come to think of it, no one even tells you what progesterone is.

The stress set in.  Baby-making became a full time job for me.

My husband watched quietly as his wife slipped away.  He tried to talk, he tried to distract, he tried to fix it for me.  It was an impossible task.

All around me, friends started to have second babies.  It felt unfair.  It felt like we were being left behind.  It felt like we were stuck in a moment.

And so we stuck together.  I took a leave of absence from work and toured with my husband’s band for 6 weeks.  We drank wine, we cooked nice dinners, we hoped, we (make that I) prayed.  We talked to each other, but not really to anyone else.

We did what everyone else did:  We suffered in silence.

We were broken.  We didn’t need the world to know about it.

Almost 10 months after that second miscarriage there was still no pregnancy.

The doctor put me on Clomid.  He said there would be an increased chance of twins.  He said there would be mood swings and possibly ovarian pain.  We didn’t care.  We wanted results.

I got pregnant on the first cycle of Clomid.

I used those vaginal suppositories without complaint, drank milk, took the vitamins, and slept as much as possible.

At 7 months, the bleeding and cramping began.  I was put on bed rest, followed by couch rest.  I rested and rested and rested.  We tiptoed through three anxious months.

Our miracle daughter arrived almost three years after we started trying.  I cried my way through the C-Section.  I couldn’t believe it was finally happening.  I held my breath and waited for those first screams.  I pushed my husband away and said, “Go, go hold our baby”.  And then finally, she was in my arms.  She was a dream come true.

Nine months later I was pregnant again.  We couldn’t believe our luck.  We just knew it was a boy.

9 weeks later, the heartbeat was gone.

We worried that our daughter wouldn’t have the gift of a sibling.  We didn’t want her to be alone.

But 21 months after the birth of our daughter, our son arrived.  Again, I sobbed.  He managed to make it through two weeks of heavy bleeding and cramping early in the pregnancy.  He was a fighter.  He was small, loud, and cute, and he snuggled into my arms immediately.  He loved to be held close.  He still does.

We counted our blessings.  Our family was complete.

And then…a funny thing happened.

We weren’t “trying”.  But we weren’t “not trying”.  We were just living.  Our daughter was just over 4, and our son was nearing 2 ½.  And we got pregnant.  Just like that.

And so we would get a third.  An unexpected blessing.

7 weeks in, the bleeding started.  But the heartbeat was just fine.  Every two weeks, the heartbeat was fine.  The baby was growing.  I was feeling good.  Things were going as planned.

He was a little boy.  Another beautiful baby boy.

At 18 weeks, he was gone.  Just as we prepared to share our news, he was gone.

They had to induce me.  I had to birth my deceased baby boy.

Words can’t describe the horror of that scenario.

The drugs used to induce me didn’t work.  They increased the doses and watched and waited, but it just didn’t work.

I started to bleed.  A lot.  More medicine.

Finally, with my big sister by my side, the lost life was freed from my body.  But the placenta…that just wouldn’t budge.  I continued to bleed.

I went into shock.  Three times.  I worried.  My husband worried.  We slept a little.

And then, at 4:30AM, they woke us.  I needed emergency surgery.

I signed away my uterus.  Twice.

I was told that I could suffer a fatal rupture.  Several times.  This time, we both prayed.  We prayed to anyone who would listen.

In a drug induced state I said goodbye to my husband of nearly 8 years.  I tried to find the best words…just in case they would be my last.  In my heart, I knew that somehow I would get through this.  Somehow, I would return home to my husband and my babies.

I did.  In the end, they saved my life and my uterus.

For a moment we felt relief.  Our family was whole again.  The horror was over.

Except that we had to cope.  How do you cope with something so traumatizing when two little lives depend on you every second of every day?

You suffer in silence for a little while.

You cry out loud…when they sleep.

You talk to your husband.  You seek comfort from your mom.

You watch your children like a hawk and pray that no such horror ever comes their way.

You find the small moments of greatness in each day and soak them up.

You call your girlfriends.

You reach out to someone who you think might understand and, thankfully, that person is willing to become your lifeline.

You stick close to your little family of four and remind yourself that they are your happiness.

You allow yourself time outs…because right now you need them.

And then you start to talk.

You write it down.  You reach out to others.  And you just keep talking.  Because you hope that, in doing so, you might save someone else from suffering in silence.  Because if 25% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage, you can bet that someone you know is suffering.

We will suffer in silence no more.  We will talk.  Because everything’s not lost.

How has infertility touched your life?

Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Consultant in Los Angeles, CA.  She has a four year old daughter, two year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. Katie has a parenting advice blog at http://practicalkatie.com/and can also be found on Twitter.

 

 

About Katie

Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Expert in Los Angeles, CA. She has a five year old daughter, three year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. Katie has a parenting advice blog, Practical Parenting, an infertility support blog, Clomid and Cabernet and can be found on Twitter. She also writes for moonfrye.

Comments

  1. Katie, you are right. So many people suffer in silence.
    You are a strong woman :)

  2. Thank you for opening up about such a painful experience. It amazes me how little miscarriages and other pregnancy problems are discussed.
    I (may) have anti-phospholipid anti-body syndrome and we lost the first pregnancy. I had to do a d&c after a very painful week of bleeding and cramps (after the heartbeat had left). I don’t remember the sound of the machine at all. I remember crying afterward though. In the post-op bed. I think a nurse came over and handed me tissues.
    My OB decided to run some tests just to see if anything was going on. I think she does this every time there is a d&c. That’s when they discovered that I may have this anti-body syndrome. So I went to a specialist when I got pregnant. I would go 1x a week and get blood tests to check my levels and an ultrasound. I also had to inject blood thinner every day into the skin on my belly. I’m happy to say my daughter was born healthy and happy and that’s the most important thing.
    Are we going to do this again? I’m not sure. But what I do know is that I’m very glad you wrote this post because the more we talk about it, the more educated we become and hopefully if another person has to go through a miscarriage or fertility problems, they won’t be in such shock.

  3. Oh Katie….I am in tears. What a beautiful, tragic, heart wrenching story. Thank you so much for sharing it. I can’t even imagine how hard it was to go through all of that. No wonder you are such a passionate, wonderful mom to your two miracle babies.
    – Gina

  4. Oh Katie I am completely overwhelmed with emotion right now. I knew what you went through but to see it all here in words, the emotions and trauma of it all are just more than one person should have to endure. I think of you every day and hope that your days get a bit easier. I know that the pain won’t ever go away but I hope that it gets a bit more manageable for you as each day passes and I will do whatever I can to help you through. Sending you lots of love. The strength it took to write this makes me so proud to call you my friend.

  5. Katie,
    No words can take away the pain.
    I personally want to thank you for sharing your story. You may never know how much these words will comfort someone who has gone through a loss, but I know you will be blessed because you opened up your heart.
    Hugs and Love to a very incredible woman,
    Love Jody

  6. Thank you for sharing your story. Your story needs to be shared. I’ve never experience infertility but have experienced the “fear” of it. You don’t think about this kind of thing happening when you first start trying. The 2nd time around, with kid #2 – you know it happens – but never believe it will happen to you. It’s the 3rd time around that did it to me. We are blessed to have 3 precious children… but my worst fear was this – for the entire 3rd pregnancy. And we are done at 3. Because I don’t know if I could go through what you did…

    Thanks for sharing… you are one very strong mother (who I am sure gained an enormous appreciation for life and conception along the way.)

    • Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to share your thoughts. Infertility touches everyone, sometimes directly…sometimes indirectly. It is my hope that speaking out will somehow help someone else.

  7. All I can think of to say is that I’m grateful that I didn’t have to endure miscarriage. I’ve always been grateful for that. I hope it’s not insensitive to say that. I admire your strength.

  8. Wow. Between tears, I really don’t know how to put my feelings into words, other than what I’ve already told you personally. Thank you for sharing, I know this must’ve not been easy for you. I know you will love those two babies you have and appreciate each and every day with them. Thanks Katie, you amaze me.

  9. Katie,
    Thank you for sharing your story. It made me feel less alone. It’s so hard to talk about but it’s worse to suffer in silence. After suffering a miscarriage at 37 and subsequent fertility treatments, I was thrilled to be pregnant again a year and a half later. I had the perfect pregnancy until I didn’t feel him move. I will never forget the scream I let out when I was told he was gone. My beautiful Spencer was born still at 35 weeks 5 days. I too bled out but they saved me and my uterus.
    After many years of failed fertility treatments and multiple miscarriages, I was finally pregnant again. My beautiful baby girl was born healthy 3 years later.

    • Oh Karen, what a terrible loss. I am so sorry for you, yet happy that you also got your miracle baby. It’s such a hard and lonely journey. Thank you for having the courage to share your story here…I know it will help someone else reading through these comments.

  10. My best friend since 7th grade (we’re both 28 now) has been facing the same thing with her husband. They had gone through several rounds of testing and finally IVF. Almost a year ago, she called me so excited that she was finally pregnant! She couldn’t wait to share the news with her family, but decided to wait until she was past her first trimester. She was starting to show and people at work were starting to notice. She had both sets of parents over for a nice dinner to announce the news. A month later, at 5 months pregnant, she lost the baby. Her water broke and she went through labor. Her beautiful daughter was unable to be saved. She too had to go through labor. The baby was bruised from labor and laid there in her arms. She was devastated. And now she’s pregnant again, hoping that this one will be her miracle baby. Her and the baby are in good health to this point, and she is due in early February.

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine the pain that you and your husband must have gone through. But let there be some solace in the fact that you are not alone. You are a very strong woman. Thank you for sharing your story.

    • JB-
      Infertility is all around us, isn’t it? The challenge is to start coming forward and helping one another through it. Thank you for sharing your friend’s story, and for your support. I truly appreciate it.

  11. I am constantly amazed by the strength of women. And I feel blessed that through social media we are able to connect with these stories. To hear of the struggles and pain and strength and optimism so many women have. To realize that we are not alone in those struggles.

    Thank you for sharing that. You have a beautiful family. You are an amazing woman.

    • Thank you for reading it. You are right, social media is opening doors for women to come forward and share stories. Hopefully all of this talking will make it a less taboo subject at some point.

  12. Debi Marshall McDaniel says:

    That was amazing…but oh so sad! There are too many of us that do go thru it that keep it all inside and I don’t understand why! I couldn’t!!! I needed a huge support system as quickly as possibly-and I thank God for them every day. I got pregnant on my 37th Birthday and didn’t have a single problem thru it! Isabella Faith was born 10/17/07 and is beyond perfect! We had moved to Louisiana when I was 6 months pregnant because of my husbands work and were living with my in-laws until our house sold (BTW-it took 3 1/2 years to sell!!!!) On my 39 birthday, I found I was pregnant again! Yay!!! My husband is an only child and I was so hoping for a lil man! 9 days later we lost the pregnancy. Thank God my parents were still in town for my Birthday! I cried every time I looked someone in the face…could barely breath…felt a depth of sadness that I didn’t think existed for me. I felt like I needed to get myself back together and move on and I knew my friends would help! EVERYONE already knew I was pregnant, so now I had to tell them what happened. It was the worse little post I had put up “With overwhelming sadness I have to tell you that we lost our child-please say a prayer for us.  xoxoxo Deb” 
    My parents returned to FL and life moved along…mine far from moved along.  I hurt so bad inside and my husband could see it, my parents could feel it…but I felt I had to keep it under control for everybody else’s sake! I started writing on FB exactly what I was feeling when I was feeling it! I couldn’t let it just sit and simmer-I had a 2 yr old to take care of! My parents came back for our Anniversary at the end of May and as luck would have it, we were pregnant again! (BTW-we never actually planned the dates-they picked for us!) All 4 of our parents were a little shocked and probably a lot scared. Chuck asked if I wanted to let my FB friends know and I said “yes-I need them! If -God forbid- something happens with this pregnancy, I will need the support more so than I did before. And if everything works out like it’s going to,they have all supported me so much that they should be included in the greatness that will be! So, I announced on FB May 28, 2009 to a slew of amazing well wishes and prayers! Ever single time I went to the bathroom I checked for blood! I was very careful in my eating, staying stress free, resting and relaxing. Me and Chuck went to the doctors mid-June for an ultrasound and everything looked great except maybe a little small for it’s age…we got to hear the heartbeat and they gave us some pic’s (they’re still posted in my photo albums on FB) and away we went with big smiles and happy hearts!!! June 28, we were at a family members house for some food and fun…having a grand time…until I went to the bathroom and saw the red streak. I literally put my hand over my mouth so I did not scream out loud.  I gathered up my emotions off the floor, composed myself and walked back into the party and got Chuck’s attention and quietly told him what I thought was happening…I’m not sure if he told someone on the way out that that was our reason for a quick get away. We had Isabella in the back seat and I was the DD so Chuck could have a few drinks at the party-the whole ride I felt like I could have a complete breakdown, but knew I couldn’t because of Isabella-I didn’t want to scare her or make her sad. When we got home, I knew for sure what was happening and just wrapped my arms around Chuck and cried…I cried for myself, for 2 babies, for him, for Isabella, for 2 Grandmothers and 2 Grandfathers…and then I cried for me again. I felt absolutely beyond repair! “Pick up the pieces Deb! You can do it!”  I KNEW I could…I just didn’t want to right then!!! I got on my FB page again and stunned everyone with my horrible news and everyone rallied around me…helping me to want to pick myself back up. My parents came over from FL and spent July 4 with us-we went to New Orleans Aquarium of the Americas and I look at the pictures that we took (also on FB) and I can see the sadness and despair in my eyes! It was so horrible! Both times I had just horrific nightmares that would wake me up crying and shaking and then I didn’t want to go back to sleep. My doc’s weren’t helping too much in that area either! One had the “get over it” attitude and the other wanted my to go see a shrink if I thought I needed something for the anxiety! LOL WHAT ANXIETY!!!?!?!?! I went to a councilor once but it just wasn’t what I needed/wanted. I turned to my FB friends and family and once again,  it was the best decision I ever made! I talked about the pain, the loss, the suffering….everything I was feeling, I wrote! I stepped on a few toes, but it wasn’t about them…this was all about me getting me back. I was mighty pissed for a long time about it– Why, WHY, WWHHYY!??!? The 1st anniversary in Feb went by and I was lost and sad…same on Mother’s Day. By the time the June 28th  1 year anniversary came around, life had changed dramatically and i guess i kinda found out why i had lost so much.  It was a Saturday and Chuck had just finished his first week of chemotherapy for testicular cancer!!! That morning he blacked out, my child was having a breakdown because she wanted to go somewhere and I thought for sure I could lose my mind right at that moment! I used my FB family and friends to get thru that too! I ranted and raved like a lunatic, and everybody supported me. I put up regular disclaimers stating that what I was going thru was really sad and I was a constant venter and that if you could handle it, no bad feelings! Un-friend me and we could hook up after…to my knowledge, no one did! But, that’s when I realized that even as horrible as those losses were, they were also blessings in disguise! I really don’t know how I would have handled Chuck going thru Chemo, a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. I also found out how incredibly common it is for us women to go thru…and how it is almost taboo to talk about!!! All of that floored me! I didn’t think it was talked about because it rarely happened! DUH!!! Other blessing discovered along the road to hell I found were amazing friends and family that support you for everything! I became closer to people that I haven’t seen in 20+ years…closer than we were when we saw each other on a daily basis! I’ve met amazing strangers who have lifted me up in thoughts and prayers. Our parents who I already knew were amazing, amazed me beyond belief!!! And then there was my husband and our Isabella…when you get such amazing gifts from God, really, what more can you ask for??? I feel incredibly blessed to have gone thru ALL of this, just to know what I know now!!!  Keep talking to your friends and family-we’re all here to help each other any way we can! We just need to open our mouths! Thank you so much for sharing your story!!

    • I’m so glad you found the support that you needed by sharing your journey. Unfortunately I think there are still a lot of people out there who don’t know what to say or how to react, and that contributes to the silence. Sometimes a simple “I’m thinking of you” can really change everything. Thank you for sharing your story too…

  13. That was a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing. Though I personally did not experience it this way, I had way too many friends who did. And, I want to thank you for bringing into light the pain and angst and sadness they could never express to me. I am totally crying right now. We all do, at some point, take the miracle of conception for granted.

    • Thank you so much reading this and for your kind words. It can be really hard to tell your friends how you truly feel when you’re in the moment, but I’m sure they appreciated your support just the same.

  14. Katie, I just want to reach into my laptop and hug you. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you to go through that, and relive it while writing this. So many of us (and by that I mean me) whine about our children every so often, sometimes forgetting that they are all gifts, they are our lives, our loves, our hearts. Thank you for sharing your story.

  15. Dear Katie, thank you for this. Sometimes loss feels so personal, women get isolated. I could write a very similar article. I had many losses, and a 7 year struggle with infertility. We had a beefed up IVF, many times, called ICSI. I must have had a million shots and dozens of surgeries. I can’t keep track.

    All of my girls were made with laser beams and dreams, I say when strangers ask (why do they ask? It wasn’t just the twins who were made this way. They want to see me squirm? Do I want to talk about their difficult conception in front of them? Nope.). I recently learned to say, why do you ask? Often I find they know someone struggling like I did, and they want to help. I will talk to those people. I wish I had someone to talk to during all that.

    Many people hang their live achievements on their walls….diplomas, certificates, credentials, etc. I hang up my three little 8 cell embryos. It reminds me of how much life is worth, and how magic it is. I never worked so hard for anything in my whole life. My degrees and credentials stay in a box, my girls is where I gained my understanding of nearly everything. Best thing I ever did, and I worked so very hard for them.

    Hugs to you, Katie. Please know you can talk to me anytime. Thank goodness for Mommy Moment :)

    • It’s so true…when you ask why people are interested, the generally open up. I’m so sorry for your struggle, but happy you also have your miracles. I can’t imagine what you went through…it’s all so hard and lonely. So glad to have connected with you. Hugs back at you.

  16. Thank you so much for sharing. There are no words that adequately describe mourning the loss of children in pregnancy. Just because they aren’t born yet doesn’t mean that we don’t love them any less. I have 3 beautiful children, but have been pregnant 6 times. I miscarried 3 babies at 11 weeks. I still love all 3 of those babies, and have named them and look forward to meeting them in heaven one day.

    • It’s true, the attachment begins when pregnancy begins. It’s hard for others to understand, but the loss is huge no matter how far along you are.

      • Parenting starts when you commit to making a baby. The grief of those that never fall pregnant must be much the same as those of us that have. Baby making has been the most tragic and rewarding experience of my life so far. The road winds on……..

  17. You have written a beautifully poignant tribute to the struggle you’ve endured. You are such a talented writer, Katie, with a gift for sharing feelings and information with the same endearing, honest approach. I am so sorry for your pain.

    I am certain that your post touches those who have experienced such loss in a very meaningful way. I think it also gives those of us who have not had to walk in your shoes, a sense of understanding, as well as a better appreciation for something we may have taken for granted. You also make it so clear to ALL of us that even in the face of profound heartache, there is hope. That true strength comes from learning on those around you, and that peace can be found by reaching within oneself to remember what is good and beautiful in life. Thank you.

    • Thank you my friend, for your unending support of my writing and for your comforting words during a difficult time. I’m glad to have found a connection with you. It is my hope that writing about it so honestly will help those going through it, as well as friends, sisters, mothers, etc. who don’t know how to help someone they love through such a difficult time.

  18. What a beautifully written post about such a personal matter. I stumbled across it accidentally but and am so glad I did. While I have not endured the pain of infertility like so many other women have, my husband and I have had a to cope with a different type of pain as parents. I do understand suffering in silence, closing off your life to only your husband, and having your husband feel as though you are slipping away.
    Thank you for sharing your life with your readers.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and support. No matter what you’re going through, there is likely someone out there in the same boat. Taking a chance and sharing a story can sometimes result in lifelong connections…

  19. Beautiful and heartbreaking post. I was infertile for the first 6 years of my marriage. Though not really trying, I never got pregnant when I really should have. It turned out to be due to thyroid disease, and once that was treated I had no further problems. Now my sweet sister is trying to get pregnant for the first time–has been for several months. I see worry in her eyes every time I talk to her (only on Skype, because she’s in India, with Indian doctors who don’t tell their patients much that’s of any use), and I’m becoming afraid to even talk about it. I don’t want to hurt her by asking “what news?” all the time! This helps me understand a little more of what she may be feeling. Like I said, I wasn’t trying to get pregnant all those years. I was mildly worried because I *wanted* a baby, but I thought I’d be ok even if I didn’t have one. If I had actually been trying, I’m sure I’d have been miserable. Anyway, big (((hugs))) to you for sharing your story. You’re beautiful, and I’m so, so glad you’re talking about it!

    • I am thinking good thoughts for your sister. Keep being there for her and checking in…it can be lonely when it feels like everyone forgets or moves on. And send her my way if she needs someone to vent to…I mean it.

  20. What a journey! <3 A beautiful read! The honesty is fantastic, you are gorgeous inside and out!

  21. Oh Katie, I’m so sorry for all that you have gone through. You are a strong amazing person.

  22. Optimistic Mom says:

    Thanks for sharing such a personal story. I have not experienced anything like this, so I can’t relate. But, I want to thank you because it helps me better support my friends and family that have gone through miscarriage………..and unfortunately those that will.
    I never know what to say, or how to act because well, I just don’t know. Your story gave me some insight. Please continue to share with the world because you are truly blessing others.

    • Thank you so much reading this. Helping others learn how to support those going through it is part of my overall goal at some point. It’s so hard to watch a friend go through it and feel helpless. The best thing you can do is just be there,

  23. Katy Emanuel says:

    Thanks for sharing. I think as women we are scared to say something when it is not working. My husband and I tried for 5 years after a miscarriage to get pregnant and did not get pregnant. We had come to the understanding that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be until we moved and I got a new family Dr. It was hard seeing family and friends all around us get pregnant and they would all say to us how they thought it would be hard and how it was so hard since it took them 3 months to get pregnant. I found this really hard to deal with and I have never been a jealous person in my life but I could feel the green eyed monster starting to come out every time I heard I am pregnant from friends and family. The worst is the pressure though that families put on you to have kids and the continual asking when you are going to have kids. When the Dr asked me what birth control I used and I told her I hadn’t been on anything in 6 years she asked if we had been trying to get pregnant. As soon as I told her we had she said she wanted to order some tests and refer me to the best if I was open to it. I had told her we had started to adjust to the idea of no kids and she just told me, go through the tests and then we you are ready we will know where to start. The tests seemed to be never ending and it was definitely an emotional journey listening to results and then being sent for further tests since they found concerns, allergic reactions, etc. I was put on an experimental hormone treatment along with a cocktail of drugs to help with fertility and had to go for weekly internal ultrasounds. On our last round of hormones we got pregnant. We were very excited, but nervous at the same time. The specialist was so supportive and we are now 6 weeks away from my due date and couldn’t be happier. It is better to discuss this than keep it in even with a close friend so at least you have someone who knows what you are going through and can be a little more sensitive to these things.

    • Katy,
      What a difficult journey you’ve been on. I can only imagine. I’m so glad that you found the strength to get through all of the testing and I am so happy that your baby will be here soon. Enjoy every moment…you deserve it.

  24. First of all, thank you for HONESTY. Truth brings healing in a way that being secretive can never accomplish. Baby books, pamphlets, parenting classes, and an Undergrad Degree in Education, couldn’t prepare me for infertility issues, and then debilitating post-partum depression.

    As I battled infertility issues from the age of 25-34 years, I watched friends having babies all around me. Doctors didn’t really take my worries seriously until I hit 30. I got answers like; too much stress, you’re dieting too much, exercising too much, you’re young don’t worry about conceiving and it will just happen someday. Two years of tests revealed that I was having early menopause. Frankly I gave up on a baby, and shut out a lot of friends who had them. I shut down emotionally and squashed those baby dreams. The worst thing I did was keep our pain and disappointment silent. By our fifth anniversary, well-meaning friends and relatives questioned why we were “waiting” so long to have children. I began to get bitter and couldn’t hold back being nasty to those that dared bring the subject up of “Why don’t you have children?”. When our tenth wedding anniversary came and went, most people had stopped asking. Those that did ask, got the curt answer “I have no control over having a baby.”

    When we had truly given up, our miracle came. She will be 2 years in August. I used to think that admitting weakness, sickness, or defeat would expose my inner most failures and leave me broken beyond repair. In the last two years, I have found exactly the opposite. I started blogging as part of behavioural therapy for post-partum depression and have found a network of caring, honest, supportive women that have helped me more than they could ever know.

    Thank you again for sharing such intimate details of your painful journey to motherhood. I know you will help many women with your story. Wishing you all the best,
    Amy

    • Amy,
      Your story sounds all too familiar. It’s amazing how once we start to open the door a little, it helps others feel comfortable enough to come forward too. I hope there will come a day when women can just be open and unafraid, as support is an integral part of surviving the journey and healing from loss. I’m so happy that your miracle found you.

  25. I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you so much for breaking the stigma of speaking about perinatal loss and your grief. My heart is with you as you continue to heal & know that there are others you have helped by sharing your story. xxo

    • Thank you, Devan. I know that breaking the silence is important to you, and I appreciate your support. As do all of the women who visit your site, whether or not they find the strength to leave a comment.

  26. This was gut-wrenching, yet you wrote with such truth. Judging from the above comments, your post is touching quite a few people.

  27. Oh, Katie. This had me in tears…I’m so sorry for your losses.

  28. Thank you for letting us share your story. Most people think that getting pregnant is easy. My husband and I tried for years to get pregnant, but we couldn’t. I finally decided upon Invetro. That was hard on both of us. I got pregnant with the first cycle, but miscarried after 8 weeks. I was heartbroken. I had to do alot of soul searching to figure out if I could try that again. We decided to do one more cycle. This time the doc put in 6 embryos (the first was 3) in hopes of one taking. Like the first time only one took. As you can imagine, complete elation mixed with fear. Things went well until 25 weeks. I went into labor. My daughter was born 1 lb 10 oz. She made it and spent the next 3 months in the NICU in Chapel Hill NC. I spent every day and night there with her. She is now 8, perfectly healthy and very happy. I look at her sometimes and have to stop myself from focusing on how easily she could disappear. It took so long for her to get here.

  29. I am so sorry to hear about your devastating losses; losing a child(ren) is the worst imaginable loss and my heart hurts for you. I wish you peace.

  30. Dear Katie,
    Thank you for sharing your story. You are a very brave mama. I’m so glad you are blessed with two children. I have a wonderful little boy. I didn’t have any trouble, thank goodness, but my friend has tried several times. She has retreated away from her friends, just like you said it happens. I want to reach out to her, but I don’t know how. I’m worried she’ll feel hurt. How should I approach her?
    Thanks,
    Karla

  31. First of all, I am so sorry for your losses and wish I could give you a big hug! Our stories are very similar, except for your later loss of your sweet little boy. I have had three m/c’s one in between each child. I have two children, so I hope and pray I got that inbetween m/c between children out of the way. Isn’t that sad to say? It is all just horrible :( I cry a lot, and am so thankful for the two miracles I have now. We have been ttc for over 2 years now, for our third. My story is super long, but you are more then welcome to visit my site and search “The day my daughter was almost taken from me”. Anyways, I appreciate this post and I pray for your peace hon. HUGS. It is not fair or easy :(

  32. Elva Roberts says:

    September 4-Thank you to that wonderfully brave Mom who shared her heartbreak and joy with us. I pray that the Good Lord always looks after her and her family and all those who are hurting and trying to have a family.

  33. Teresa Claire says:

    Thank you for such a touching story. I am sorry that you went through so much to have children. I think men feel a lot more than we give them credit for. We need more than support for such loss…we need kindness, compassion and empathy.

  34. Cheryl Grandy says:

    Thank you for sharing. I’m fortunate enough not to have experienced any of what you did, and can only imagine what pain and despair and fear you must have gone through. Your sharing helps me understand, and will, I think, help many in situations like yours know they are not alone. Thank you.

  35. angie andrews says:

    This must have been hard for you to write about, but thank you for doing it, this will definitely help other women going through similar circumstances

  36. Carol Oddy says:

    So sad losing children to miscarriage, could not even imagine what you were feeling !! I am so glad you have two healthy children at home to love and cherrish . I had my son when I was thirty and was a single Mom with him though most of his life. He graduated from high school, is 27 years old now and working for Shaw in Calgary. Children grow so fast you need to cherish all those special moments because the next thing you know your children are off to make their own lives.

  37. First of all, thank you for sharing yourself out of the desire to help others. Secondly, you are an outstanding writer.
    Thank you for the reminder that my voice can also be of help to someone out there who has suffered in silence.
    I celebrate you, your victories, your strength, your blessings, your life, your family.
    What beauty, for God to carry you through so much and to enrich you with the children you have both here and awaiting you. Perhaps our sweet babes are dancing in Dafodils and climbing trees together above the clouds, until we can hold them in our arms.
    Lovingly and in appreciation and admiration,
    Mary

  38. DARLENE W says:

    I cannot imagine the heartbreak that you and your husband went through, my warmest wishes to you and your family

Trackbacks

  1. […]  This post originally appeared in my weekly column for Mommy Moment on July 20, 2011. Filed Under: Infertility Tagged With: infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy […]

  2. […] couple of weeks ago, I shared my journey through infertility.   The response was […]

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