Perfection in a Mug

My husband has been recording in New York this week.  We are accustomed to long absences due to the nature of his job, so a week apart seems very short in comparison.  Although I knew that our daughter would have a difficult time with him away, I wasn’t concerned for my own psyche.

I expected the nightmares.  When my husband went on tour for a year our daughter experienced a fair amount of stress.  Despite calendars, maps, and countdowns, she was just a bit too young to fully comprehend that he wasn’t gone forever.  When the stress started to catch up to her it manifested in the form of nightmares, sleep walking, and nighttime fears.  She could handle the days, but the nights proved difficult.  So when the nightmares started two nights into this trip, I wasn’t surprised.

I expected the school refusal.  When Daddy travels the kids stick very close to me.  Sometimes they even reject playdates.  When she cried all the way to school on Wednesday, I was prepared.  We did our goodbye routine, I gave her a “Kissing Hand”, and off she went. 

I even expected the next molar coming in for my son, and was prepared for the 5:30am wake-ups in addition to the 2-3 nightmares each night for my daughter.

I was sure that I would keep my stress in check, despite sleep deprivation, because I planned for everything in advance.

The unexpected came in the form of weather, thereby causing more home issues.  We bought a brand new house three years ago.  We couldn’t believe our good fortune to have found the perfect house, in the perfect neighborhood, at exactly the right time in our lives.  It’s been leaking ever since.  It always leaks the most when my husband is out of town.  It was recently “fixed” for the fourth time.  Two weeks ago, during a very heavy rainstorm, we learned that it wasn’t actually fixed.  Yesterday I got the text from my husband, “the roofers are coming back to put a tarp over the roof again for the rain”. 

It wasn’t just rain.  It was wind so strong that I felt like the roof might actually detach from the house at some point.  It was branches flying off the palm trees.  It was loud, scary, howling gusts of wind.  And it was a tarp that wasn’t securely fastened to the roof that made whipping and banging sounds…all…night…long.  When you add it all up, I’m lucky if I slept three hours.

Cue the stress.

I know the effects that parental stress can have on children.  I know that a stressed out mommy can lead to unhappy children.  I know that children show their stress in the form of crying, temper tantrums, acting out, and regressed behavior.  I also know that all of that triggers more stress for said mommy.

On days like this I rely on deep breathing, story time, and caffeine (I know there are those of you who will make a strong argument for the fact that caffeine is not actually good for stress, but you do what you have to do to function!). 

I entered my son’s room at 5:34am (hoping that he would agree to some TV time in my bed) with a big smile and a positive attitude.  He thought it would be better to play cars instead.  It’s been touch and go ever since.

So how do we handle the stress that life has to offer so that our emotions do not affect the well being of our children?  It’s a question many parents have to face regularly.  Because the truth is, you just never know what you’re going to get on any given day.

Exercise has always been my go-to stress reducer.  I let my daughter watch a TV show during the beginning of her quiet time each day, and that’s when I jump on the elliptical.  Consequently, Kai-Lan is my big motivator most days!  But on a week when the sleep deprivation is at an all time high, exercise isn’t always in the cards.

Sometimes a conversation with a good friend can decrease my stress level.  I used to vent to friends regularly when the chips were down, but I found that negativity breeds negativity.  A complaint fest doesn’t usually ease my stress as much as it increases my frustration list, so my new strategy is to call someone who always makes me laugh.  I’ve decided that I would rather celebrate the good week of a friend, or just laugh about something, than stew in my own emotions.  One of my girlfriends just bought a new house.  They’ve been hoping for this for a long time, and I smile every time I think of the excitement in her voice as she described it to me.  I would prefer to stay positive.

Story time with the kids always helps to calm things down around here.  This morning the three of us snuggled on the couch for thirty minutes and read.  It was heaven.  We followed it up with some fresh air and our day changed for the better.  It’s the little things that make a big difference.

A good book usually takes me away to a more carefree brain space, so I’ve been trying to prioritize reading at night.  It’s been a busy week for sure, but that ½ hour of uninterrupted reading each night really helped to keep my stress level lower than it should have been.

When my husband is home, I enjoy a glass of wine (or two) with him at night.  But when he’s out of town or working long hours (more often than not), I won’t even take a sip.  I’ve made more late night ER trips than I care to describe and, if another should be required, I am the only driver.  I can’t risk it even for a second.  There is no back-up plan.  In the Fall I discovered spiced cider in K-cups.  This is my go-to nighttime relaxation drink of choice.  It’s perfection in a mug at the end of the day.

Stress happens.  It’s what we do to keep that stress in check so that we don’t burden our children with it that’s important.  Over time I’ve found a few strategies that help me unwind and keep things positive, but I’m always interested in hearing more.

How do you de-stress at the end of a long day?
 
Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Consultant in Los Angeles, CA.  She has a four year old daughter, two year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. 
Katie has a parenting advice blog at http://practicalkatie.com/ and can also be found on Twitter.