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Watch Me, Please!

Birthday parties always sound like so much fun.  Bounce houses, princesses, face painting, music, cotton candy…what could possibly go wrong?  As it turns out, a lot of things.

My kids don’t do well in overwhelming situations, so I tend to keep parties small and short.  It works for us.

I have friends whose kids thrive in big crowds, so larger parties work well for them.  At the end of the day, creating a celebration that works for the birthday child is the most important thing.

You can plan everything in advance.  Food, entertainment, cake cutting, and arts and crafts can all be timed to right to down to the very minute.  What you can’t necessarily count on is supervision.

Like most families that include a preschool age child, we attend a fair amount of birthday parties.  While my daughter is always excited to go anywhere that involves cake, I find that I have to talk myself into it.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy the socializing with other parents or watching my daughter run around with her friends.  It’s that I’m always on guard for the moment.  The one where she ends up in tears because something happened when another parent wasn’t watching.

My husband and I sometimes trade off when the parties are on the larger side, as our son really doesn’t do well in big crowds.  It’s just not really his thing.  He prefers a couple of friends and a lot of cars.  It’s always the same conversation as we debrief post party:  “Why am I always the only parent watching the kids in the bounce house?  Why am I in charge of a bunch of kids I don’t know?”

My husband and I keep a close eye on our kids for a variety of reasons.  The most important being safety.  We can’t control what will happen, but we can be there to provide reminders of appropriate behavior and help out if something doesn’t go according to plan (or if another child becomes aggressive).

We believe in parenting at all times, not just some of the time.

While birthday parties are always planned with the best intentions in mind, they can quickly result in a large group of over-stimulated kids running around unsure of what rules to follow and what choices to make.  Offer up sugary treats and the atmosphere can really take a negative turn.

For parents, after a long week of parenting and/or working, birthday parties can provide a much-needed social outlet.  The thought of sitting around the table discussing parenting tales with other parents is much more appealing than policing the bounce house or keeping an eye on sugar consumption.  It’s easier, and much more relaxing, to sit back and chat and let the kids go off on their own.

Therein lies the problem.  Put 30+ over-stimulated kids in one place with too many choices, lots of usually forbidden treats, and little supervision, and things will start to go awry.  You really can’t blame the kids.  They’re being set free with no clear guidance on rules and expectations with a large group of other kids all in the same position.  Hyperactivity and poor decision-making happen fast.

Our daughter knows that our core family rules apply no matter where she is.  She knows to ask before indulging in doughnuts or other sweets, she knows to keep her hands to herself, and she knows to use her polite words.  She doesn’t always know what to do when other kids start acting out.  She generally runs to one of us, and the party becomes less fun for her.

At a recent princess party she was fixated by the bounce house (which, by the way, is my least favorite party prop of all time).  The bounce house was taken over by a group of boys, as the girls were more into the princess activities.  When she dared to enter one boy yelled, “get out princess” while another put her in a headlock and yelled, “you suck!  You’re a suck!”  Forget about the fact that she doesn’t even know that word, these boys were over-stimulated and out of control.

Naturally, I quickly jumped in and redirected the boys the minute one laid a hand on her.  But the damage was done.  She was petrified to go back in or anywhere near those boys.  These were three and four year old boys.

When I scanned the area I saw what I expected, not a single parent was anywhere near the bounce house or even outside at all.  They were scattered throughout the house involved in various conversations while the kids ran wild and misbehaved, in some cases hurting other kids.

We rejoined the girls for a bit, but didn’t stay much longer.  I spent the better part of the weekend answering the question, “why did those boys do that to me?”

I wish I could say that it was a one-time event.  Unfortunately, that’s not the case.  Like I said, my husband and I always end up having the same post-party conversation, no matter where the party takes place.

As much as it’s nice to hang out with other parents and blow off a little steam, I think we owe it to our kids to help them during over-stimulating situations.  Negative behaviors occur when kids feel out of control.  If we keep an eye on them and check in with them regularly, we can probably avoid many of these situations.

I chatted with a father who was there with his four year old and two year old.  During the twenty minutes that we talked, he excused himself several times to check on his kids and remind them to drink water (it was sweltering).  I smiled each time he asked me to keep an eye on his younger son.  This was a dad who knew how to enjoy his time while putting his kids first.  This dad had it down.  If only everyone else could agree to do the same.

How do you handle supervising your kids at birthday parties?

Katie is a Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist/Parenting Consultant in Los Angeles, CA.  She has a four year old daughter, two year old son, and a rock and roll husband who makes her life complete. Katie has a parenting advice blog at http://practicalkatie.com/ and can also be found on Twitter.

Los Angeles Lifeguards

Tuesday 26th of April 2011

Great article Katie!! You really touched on quite a few points that really hits home especially when it comes to our specialty, pool parties. Although you speak of house parties without a pool, you make so many valid points.

We receive hundreds of calls each summer from parents seeking lifeguards for their pool parties as it is often too overwhelming for them to host the party and watch the pool. We applaud their decision to get lifeguards but that does not mean they should drop their guard in terms of monitoring the kids. Too often we are hired for pool parties that are what we call "drop off" parties meaning parents leave their children at the party with no supervision other than the lifeguard.

Quite often these parties have on the average 20 to 25 kids in the pool. The age range varies and each child has different needs. Some kids splash around while others are terrified of being splashed in the face. Some play rough while others remain very quiet.

When planning a pool party, serious thought needs to be initiated in order to make sure the kids have fun but more importantly, BE SAFE!

OK, without writing a book, the main point here is that no matter what type of party you plan or attend, make sure safety is priority number one! If anyone has questions, they are free to email us with any thoughts or questions.

Los Angeles Lifeguards http://www.losangeleslifeguards.com 1-888-557-5201

Cate

Saturday 23rd of April 2011

I allowed my 11yo daughter to go to a bouncy castle party on her own yesterday, just 2 minutes from our house. She got pushed off by a 5 yo boy onto concrete - duh, who would put a bouncy toy near concrete! She is just over complaining about the pain after over 24 hours of compresses and muscle rub cream! I thought I could let her out of my sight at her age, now I'm not so sure if there's a bouncy castle in the vicinity! Great article - I hope it serves to save a child some pain!

Practical Parenting

Friday 22nd of April 2011

Yes, those indoor play places can be too much! If you get lucky on a quiet day, it's fun. Otherwise...disaster! I think that parents needing more social time is right on...we need more than just a holiday party once a year! Thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts on this!

Deanna T.

Thursday 21st of April 2011

There are a couple of pay to enter indoor play places in town. One is for the younger set and features more imaginative play (trains, grocery store, vet area, school area, etc), and one is aimed at a slightly older crowd and features lots of climbing equipment and "active play" stuff. We brought our big girl to the active play place for the 1st time. For the same price, there is a cafe for the parents to sit in, and free wi-fi access. Sounds nice, until you realize no one is watching their kids. 30 or 40 kids ages 3-12 running around. Most of which are total strangers. Terrible recipe for disaster. We've decided we like the quiet and boring (for us adults) "imaginative play" place much better.

Miranda H.

Thursday 21st of April 2011

This is such a practical article! everyone needs to read this i LOVE it... I worry about the SAME thing... yes my daughter is 4 months old but STILL! It's never to early to plan!